Gilbert Spoons Is At The Door

GILBERT SPOONS IS AT THE DOOR

Gilbert Spoons is at the door

He’s been there many times before

I poked him with a long blue tube

He parped like a horn but he wouldn’t move

Gilbert Spoons is in the hall

His murmuring drives me up the wall

Peering through the crack in the door I can see

His unblinking eye, staring at me

I asked him politely “please go away,

Gilbert please, not today!

Go and look at the eggs!” I said

But he just sniggered and tilted his head

Gilbert Spoons is up all night long

Singing and screaming and banging a gong

Charging down the corridor on an imaginary horse

Setting fire to the furniture and shouting in Norse

I don’t get no sleep through his inconsiderate din

Then I finally drift off and the silence comes in

But in the deepest of slumbers I have an unnerving dream

That he is standing there silently, just by my bed

Gazing out of the darkness from his oddly-tilted head

Gilbert Spoons is really in the way

He follows me round for most of the day

Whatever I’m doing he stands just behind

Staring and sniggering and muttering unkind

Gilbert Spoons has to go

Late last night I decided it so

When I awoke with a start to find him there

At the end of my bed, with that grin and that stare!

Gilbert Spoons has gone to the moon

I tied to his neck a helium balloon

As I watched him float off I sighed with relief

Envisaging a future of Gilbertless peace

Gilbert Spoons is back in the house!

Making a sound like a clockwork mouse

He’s at the door but I won’t let him in

So he’s constantly banging the wood with his chin!

I took him out fishing one day in a boat

Then tied him with weights so that he wouldn’t float

As he vanished from sight the last thing I see

Is his unblinking eye - still staring at me!

I just don’t understand it! How did he escape?

I tied the weights tightly when I threw him in the lake

But now here he is again at my door!

But I won’t let him in, so he’s starting to gnaw

I dug a deep hole and threw Gilbert in

I filled it in quickly, with a hysterical grin

Banged it down flat and planted a tree

And hung eggs in the branches (I wasn’t taking any chances)

Walking back to the house, I looked up at the sky

Then I suddenly caught sight of that unblinking eye!

In the very top window, for a moment or two

I saw Gilbert look out! And then I just knew.

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‘Whatever I’m Doing He Stands Just Behind’

illustration by Barry Cox